Anti Squirrel F.A.Q.S

We realize this segment of the web site is extremely important! That's why we are currently gathering a wide variety of questions and answers to feature here in the near future. Until then gaze at these pictures, and feel comforted knowing there are two less squirrels in existence.

Note: Both of these squirrels were found roadkilled outside my anti squirrel command post at two seperate times. That should teach you squirrels to stay far away! Whoever killed these foul creatures, if you are reading this, thank you for keeping my command post squirrel free!

I'm pretty sure these are sentry squirrels that were either too stupid to stay out of the street during rush hour traffic, or were punished by slacking or napping on the job, therefore sentenced to "roading". Roading is a bizarre punishment for less than perfect squirrels where they must scamper wildly around the street (highways are preferred if one is nearby) and try to avoid cars until they are run over. It is particularly interesting because the squirrels know that some humans try to avoid small animals in the street, while other's like to purposefully try to hit them. Since roading is a spectator squirrel event, this human factor enables squirrels to partake in betting as to whether the victim will be hit accidentally or purposefully. We humans do not mind.